June 4, 2011
Goodbye Cruel World

Well Readers, it has happened. The time of Mock the Casbah, at least in it’s original form, has ended. After 10 months, I have left the Holy Land to return to the land of milk and high-fructose corn syrup, America. As the subtitle of this blog is “the inane scribblings of another american in the middle east,” I cannot faithfully continue to hold the office of writer of Mock the Casbah. Therefore, we enter a new age. So in case you haven’t got it yet, I will no longer be updating the blog. I know! I know! Hold back the tears and stifle your cries! I must concentrate my efforts on a new work, a new endeavor, Mock the Casbah….The Book!

A book? Ma pitom? Yes my faithful followers, a book. I’m taking the best of the blog, throwing in unpublished material, and offering it up to the publishing gods. It’s still in the development stages, but with all the free time I have, the final product should be presented by the end of the month, inshallah.  It’s going to be part travel guide, part reflection, and part commentary on the issues in the region. I can’t guarantee that it’ll be on the bookshelves soon, but I’m sure going to try to make it so. 

So, thank you my lovely readers for following me through my time in the Israel and Palestine. Goodbye and goodluck, and if you know anybody in the publishing business, send that contact info this way. Peace, shalom, salaam, and remember to smile when you talk to security at Ben-Gurion Airport.

1:10am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By5kq_Cu
(Notes: 1)
  
May 22, 2011
Barack Obama is Entirely Too Rational

     On May 19th, 2011, President Barack Obama made what appears to have been his biggest foreign policy mistake ever. He made the always regrettable decision to be blunt and rational during his speech regarding the Middle East. What Barack Obama said was more than likely the most well-thought out, pragmatic, honest, reasonable string of words strung into statements and subsequently in paragraphs ever said about anything in the Middle East, and therefore the most terrible, diabolical, satanic line of invectives ever hurled at the State of Israel.

I was proud of President Obama after his speech. Though he did allow himself his usual rhetorical flourishes, more than anything else he was frank and showed a new sense of realism that was absent from most of his speeches. In fact, I believe it to be amongst the best of his addresses yet. Definitely in the top 5. He spoke strongly without sounding forceful, he spoke eloquently without sounding whimsical. He carefully and thoroughly laid out his plans for the Middle East, centering on an economic revitalization program for Egypt and Tunisia that includes debt relief, loan guarantees, and other aid programs on both the macro- and microeconomic level. Obama also stated that he will be working in conjunction with the IMF, World Bank, and European Union on this.

But the most hyped part of the speech was obviously the last 10 or so minutes, where he explained his position on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Leading up to the speech, sources in the Israeli government believed that Obama would barely, if at all, mention the conflict. Much to their chagrin, Obama proved them very, very wrong.

Instead of summarizing what Obama said, I am going to say what people like Benjamin Netanyahu said about the speech, and then rebut them with what Obama actually said and meant. 

What They Thought: “Israel appreciates President’s Obama commitment to peace,” Netanyahu said, but stressed that he expects Obama to refrain from demanding that Israel withdraw to “indefensible” 1967 borders “which will leave a large population of Israelis in Judea and Samaria and outside Israel’s borders.”

What Obama Actually Said or Meant: “The borders of Israel and Palestine should be based on the 1967 lines with mutually agreed swaps, so that secure and recognized borders are established for both states. “

I don’t see how this can be misconstrued. The borders should be BASED on the June 5th, 1967 lines with MUTUALLY AGREED SWAPS. So what he said was in fact, THE SAME THING THAT BOTH CLINTON AND BUSH SAID. Netanyahu and other Israeli politicians are up in arms, saying Obama must honor the letters from President Bush to Former Prime Minister and Current Vegetable Ariel Sharon in which he promised Israel would be able to keep a number of settlement blocs (probably referring to Gush Etzion, Ariel, and the Jerusalem area) in any final settlement. I would like to point out two things that are somewhat obvious. Firstly, what Obama said does not necessarily negate the 2004 letter to Sharon. It sets a sort of parameter. It answers the question, “where do we start on borders?” Well, how about 1967? The UN, Israel, and Jordan did a pretty good job of demarcating it, so there’s not a shortage of maps and the like. It’s an official armistice line, it even has a color (GREEEEEN). Sounds like a good place to start. What is the West Bank and Gaza? Well, luckily for us, someone had already figured that out. Looks like we can move on from the debate. 

Secondly, and any person should know this, President Obama is not President Bush, and therefore is not bound to honor any agreement that is anything less than a signed, sealed, and delivered treaty. It’s nice if he honors promises made by past Presidents, but it’s not his obligation.

Ending this debate, one U.S. official said that “President Obama’s speech should be seen in its entirety, with 1967 borders and the swap of territories as the starting point for negotiations, not the final outcome.” Argument over.

Quickly though, I’d like to say something to all of these armchair generals commenting on the indefensible borders. Specifically people like Glenn Beck, the various Republican presidential candidates, and Congress members. For the first 20 years of its existence Israel did a pretty good job of defending those indefensible borders. What are you defending against anyway? A nation you are at peace with? Because the Palestinian government won’t think it’s in its own best interests to make sure people don’t start firing rockets at Herzliya? Think people, think. 

What Netanyahu thought: “the viability of a Palestinian state cannot come at the expense of Israel’s existence.”

What Obama Actually said: “The Palestinian people must have the right to govern themselves, and reach their potential, in a sovereign and contiguous state.”

Netanyahu often appears delusional and paranoid. That is mostly because he is in fact delusional and paranoid, but that’s not important right now. What Netanyahu was getting on about was again the border issue, and specifically the settlements. He is worried about a large Israeli population being located outside of Israel’s borders. I would like to point out something that President Obama and many others have already noted: the settlements are illegal under international law, and at the very least unhelpful to the peace process. The Israeli government knew what is was getting into when it started allowing settlement in the West Bank in the early 1970’s. If Israel wants peace, it has to be willing to re-absorb a significant population of settlers back into Israel proper. Israel is constantly saying Fatah needs to either choose a government with HAMAS or peace with Israel. Well, Israel needs to either choose settlers or peace with Palestine, and possibly other Arab nations. There are settlers in the Golan Heights, and if there is peace with Syria, they will need to go. Would Netanyahu give them up?

What they Heard: “Obama also disregards the unprecedented Palestinian terrorism triggered by the Oslo Accord, by the Israeli initiative to establish the Palestinian Authority and by Israel’s withdrawal from the entire Gaza Strip and from 40% of Judea and Samaria.”— Yoram Ettinger, YNET news

What Obama Said: “As for security, every state has the right to self-defense, and Israel must be able to defend itself — by itself — against any threat. Provisions must also be robust enough to prevent a resurgence of terrorism; to stop the infiltration of weapons; and to provide effective border security. The full and phased withdrawal of Israeli military forces should be coordinated with the assumption of Palestinian security responsibility in a sovereign, non-militarized state. The duration of this transition period must be agreed, and the effectiveness of security arrangements must be demonstrated”

I don’t think I have to add much to what Obama said. He quite clearly and emphatically stated that he knows and cares about the security of the two countries. What people like Mr. Ettinger of YNET News fail to remember is the remarkable stability and security of the areas under Palestinian control in the last years. There is a reason Israeli troop levels in the West Bank have fallen to their lowest since before the First Intifada started in 1987. Is there still work to be done? Of course. But to interpret what the President said as an official condemnation of the existence of the state of Israel is a bit much.

 What they Though: “President Obama’s position is at odds with the majority of the American people and most Democrats. It is out of step with most Senators and Representatives, who are empowered to initiate, bloc, suspend, amend and turn around policy. Therefore, Obama’s plan will not be implemented unless the Jewish State wastes its substantial base of American support, submitting itself to the pressure of a relatively-weak president, who is rapidly losing the “Bin Laden bonus,” and increasingly requires congressional cooperation in order to be reelected.” — Yoram Ettinger, YNET

What Obama said: “the United States of America was founded on the belief that people should govern themselves. Now, we cannot hesitate to stand squarely on the side of those who are reaching for their rights, knowing that their success will bring about a world that is more peaceful, more stable, and more just.”

Now, I know, the two quotes aren’t that related. But let us take note of a few things. Mr. Ettinger mentions the American people. Yes, in polls they do favor Israel and pro-Israel policies by a wide margin, and usually think Obama is not doing enough for Israel. But what do the American people actually know about Israel? What do the American people know about just about anything? Why do they think Israel is our only ally in the Middle East? Why do they care so much more about it than any other relationship the U.S. has? The vast majority of Americans are uneducated about the subject, that is why. That might sound a bit condescending, but it’s true. Americans for the most part don’t know just about anything about the world outside of the U.S., especially the Middle East. This is especially sad considering the considerable investment in both money and lives we’ve made in the Middle East. So does Obama’s position stand contrary to that of the majority of the American peoples? Possibly, but at least Obama’s position is grounded in facts and reality.

Now onto Congress. Yes, that last bastion of morals and understanding, a place where the American people are truly and fairly represented. Congress is, and should be, a non-entity on the Israel matter. It is completely beholden to the interests of Israel. That is absolutely undeniable. I consider Canada to be our most important ally and friend, to be like a brother to America. Yet does Canada get nearly as much support in Congress? No. Anything pro-Israel is guaranteed to garner the sort of legislative majority that would make Hugo Chavez blush. This is a plain, boldfaced fact. Any congress member who has spoken ill of Israel in the last decade has been run out of town. I do not perceive Congress to be a good bellwether of American attitudes. Congress is a corrupt, inefficient, self serving social club, not a place where a responsible foreign policy is forged. And guess what? The foreign policy of the United States is the constitutionally mandated arena of the President and the President only. The senate can ratify a treaty. That’s their foreign policy mandate. When it comes down to it, by the strictest letter of the Constitution, the President dictates foreign policy, for well or ill. Does Congress have some ability to effect foreign policy? Yes. But anyone but a member of the executive branch of the government is, by law, forbidden to pursue a foreign policy independent of that same branch. President wins, every time.

And as for this stuff about a weak president who needs help being re-elected. This Yoram Ettinger has obviously not kept up with the political news in the U.S. Take a look at his challengers. John Huntsmann, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty. Obama is doing pretty well for himself, and he’s still got plenty of time to prepare his campaign. He’ll be fine, but we all appreciate your concern, Mr. Ettinger.

Closing Shop

With all that being said, what should we take out of the President’s speech? I think Orly Azoulay, also of YNET News, said it best.

“Obama, despite being younger than both Netanyahu and Abbas, conducted himself like the responsible adult the other night: He signaled to all parties what the required solution is, and outlined the solution once the sides agree to the formula comprising “territory and recognition” – Israel will agree to the principle of marking the borders, and the Palestinians will agree to recognize that the Israel is the state of the Jewish people.”

Obama has clearly showed that he is aware of the circumstances and knows what to do. He knows that Tunisia and especially Egypt desperately need help to get their economies moving, and will need some guidance as they move towards elections and new governments. He knows, probably all too well, the issues between Israelis and the various Arab parties, and in his speech he enumerated what I believe to be respectable policy points. 

That has always been Obama though. He knows things. That’s his thing. He’s the policy wonk, always the smartest guy in the room. What he needs to do now is act. He cannot afford to fail on Egypt and Tunisia. He cannot afford to let the current impasse between Israelis and Palestinians continue. Obama needs to, in lack of a better way of phrasing it, grow some balls. Obama is the leader of a superpower, and he needs to act like it. It is not just for them, it is for us. 

I think, again, the Orly Azoulay said it best, saying that “In order to realize the two-state vision, Obama needs to hold up a whip, and make the price of rejectionism clear to both sides.”

That all being said, Obama is set to talk to AIPAC on May 22nd. Expect him to be on the defensive, and get your puke bags ready because the Israel loving he will spew will make you ill.

“That is the choice that must be made — not simply in this conflict, but across the entire region — a choice between hate and hope; between the shackles of the past, and the promise of the future. It’s a choice that must be made by leaders and by people, and it’s a choice that will define the future of a region that served as the cradle of civilization and a crucible of strife.” President Barack Obama


11:49am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By5LK0K-
(Notes: 1)
  
May 21, 2011
The Official Benjamin Netanyahu Speech Drinking Game

On May 25th, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel will address the United States Congress. His speech comes as the Arab world is in turmoil and the Palestinians make preparations for what seems to be an inevitable UN recognition of a Palestinian state. He expected to make a new proposal for Middle East Peace, as well as address many of the issues currently at the forefront of Middle East politics, namely: Iran, HAMAS-Fatah unity, the revolt in Syria, Iran, elections in Egypt, and maybe even Osama Bin Laden. 

Celebrating this, Mock the Casbah is putting out THE OFFICIAL BENJAMIN NETANYAHU SPEECH DRINKING GAME. Why is it the official one? Because, for one, I got there first (as far as I know), and second, I’m am perfectly qualified to take up this important task. 

That being said, let’s lay down some ground rules.

  1. I don’t care what your drink is. Sam Adam’s? great. Flirtini? Sounds good. Pabst Blue Ribbon? fine, you filthy hipster. Just do it with something with alcohol in it. There’s no point playing a drinking game without alcohol. I see drinking games online and they say something like “should not be played with alcohol.” I understand your trying to cover your ass in legal terms, but it’s like birthday cards that play music- the thought is nice, but it’s completely fucking stupid. Even if it’s a very low alcohol drink. Even if it’s Arak or Smirnoff Ice. Just have a goddamn alcoholic drink.
  2. You are in this for the long run. If Bibi talks for 4 days, you drink for 4 days. If you duck out early, you will be hazed, and probably shot at some point.
  3. No bathroom trips. You hold it for the duration. 
  4. Food is cool. In fact, it’s recommended. In fact, might as well have a cookout or something. It makes listening to Bibi Netanyahu easier.
  5. EVERY TIME someone says DRINK, you DRINK

When to Drink and How Much

  • If Bibi uses any sort of Jewish guilt (i.e., the Holocaust), drink.
  • If Bibi mentions gas chambers or any concentration camp by name, FINISH YOUR DRINK
  • If Bibi says “indefensible,” drink.
  • If Bibi blames the current impasse in peace negotiations on the Palestinians, drink.
  • If Bibi implores the Palestinians to negotiate, drink. If Bibi makes a personal appeal to Mahmoud Abbas (aka Abu Mazen), finish your drink. 
  • If Bibi says the Palestinians are not partners for peace, yell “DAMN RIGHT!” and drink
  • If Bibi mentions Iran, drink.
  • If Bibi mentions HAMAS and Iran anywhere near eachother, finish half of your drink.
  • If Bibi does the Bibi face (head cocked slightly to the side, eyebrow raised, hand pointed in a somewhat threatening manner), finish your drink.
  • If Bibi talks about how much Israel has done for peace, yell “TOO MUCH!” and drink.
  • If Bibi mentions start-up nation, yell “BULLSHIT,” finish your drink, and yell “FUCK YOU BEZEQ”
  • If Bibi stresses how important the US is to Israel, drink. If Bibi stresses how important Israel is to the US, finish your drink.
  • If Bibi mentions a former Prime Minister, say “peace and blessings be upon them,” and drink.
  • If Bibi says “right to exist,” drink.
  • If Bibi mentions his family, drink.
  • If Bibi says something and Speaker of the House John Boehner looks like he is going to orgasm from it, drink.
  • If Bibi tells a joke, do not drink.
  • If Bibi says “I want peace,” drink. If Bibi says “I really want peace,” drink half of what you have. If Bibi says “I really really really super really with sprinkles and fudge and falafel and matza bread want peace,” or something along that line, finish your drink.
  • If someone yells, “YOU LIE” during the speech, praise the lord and finish you drink in honor of that person.

    1:53pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By5JO5x8
    (Notes: 1)
      
    May 3, 2011
    That’s Entertainment!

    I was 12 years old on September 11th, 2001. Around 9 a.m. on that day I was heading to my 6th grade geography class at Woodbury Middle School. I was told by a friend that the World Trade Center and Pentagon had been attacked. I was interested, briefly. My day went on. 12 years old. 

    When I got home a few hours later my two siblings and my mom were crowded around a T.V., watching the live coverage. I said hi. They shushed me. I went to my room and played with my G.I. Joes, and even put the T.V. onto the news, wondering why my family was so intently watching various shots of a burning building in New York.

    I’ve never pretended I understood what happened when it happened. I was just a kid, a 12 year old bottled shit-storm. My life went on. I didn’t cry, I didn’t comfort my parents, I didn’t have a life-changing moment. My life went on. 

    It took a few days for me to understand what happened and why people had changed. Maybe it was the candlelight vigil held outside the old Salem Tri-Cinema. Maybe it was the sad demeanor of the adults. Maybe it was the news coverage, subconsciously telling me this was sad. Maybe it was the flags, the stickers, the songs, the singing of the National Anthem at baseball games with added gusto. Maybe. When it sank in, it sank in hard, Titanic-grade. I think I can trace my current depth of knowledge about world politics, etc, to that time. I was young, but my parents had always taught me to think, and now I was being presented with the fact that 19 bearded dudes from the desert had attacked my country and killed 3,000 of my countrymen. I was naturally curious, and I yearned to know more.

    I remember Bush’s war speech. I remember the intensity, I remember my dad’s tense reaction. I remember news footage of green night-scapes, white circles floating skyward, so beautiful. I remember the brown-cloaked men riding cavalry style on top of dusty tanks. I remember the black turbans, the sad, gray landscapes. So vivid. I remember victory. I remember on to the next war.

    Afghanistan became Iraq, Bin-Laden became Saddam, nightvision mountain tops became sand-stormed cities. One enemy became the other. One war the rage, the other passe.

    Today, May 2nd, I learned about the military raid that killed Osama Bin Laden. There was much rejoicing. 10 years, nearly half of my life, and finally, we got him. I’m always proud to be an American, but sometimes, like today, it felt like a high. It was a classic American story. Early great prospects, dashed hopes, sinking sinking, but ultimate redemption and victory. It was a win, a pure win, undeniable victory. It was like a good sporting event. Classic, for sure.

    I rejoiced, I got cocky, I felt it! I danced, I sang, making up for not being able to run down to the White House like all my friends back home. I am proud. I am happy. Sure-fire.

    I see some people do not rejoice, and that is their right. He was a person. An important person. A father, a son, a brother. A life-changing man, man of the time. He gave us our war, our great crusade against terror. 1,566 killed in Afghanistan since 2001, war ongoing. 4452 killed in Iraq, war ongoing. Trillions of dollars. 2001. Ten years, ten years of bodies and rubble and death and debts to be paid. He stopped the world once, but now it keeps moving. Firefights in the Hindu Kush. Patrols in the Syrian desert. Carriers in various gulfs. Some do not rejoice because the monster he unleashed those years back didn’t die with him. They are right, too.

    But it is still a victory, a triumph. We don’t need parades, trumpet blares, and Obama riding in gold armor in a bejeweled chariot pulled by four white horses. But after all this time, all this looking and spending, we’ve accomplished something. It doesn’t bring back the dead, it doesn’t repay the debt, but it does mean something for our public trust. We did it. We said it, and we did it. It’s a candle burning in a sea of searchlights, but it’s still there, and we should rejoice. Ding-dong, the jihadi is dead. 

    Some try to temper the joy with thoughts of the possible retaliation for the killing. No problem folks. You cannot worry about whether terrorists are or are not going to attack for some reason. They are terrorists, and that is what they do, terrorize. Live your lives, let the people with the ties and uniforms do the worrying. Report suspicious things, keep calm, carry on. And dance for victory.

    The killing of Osama Bin-Laden concretely changes only one thing, and that is the health status of Osama Bin-Laden. He is dead. Will Al-Qaeda’s remnants or an affiliated group retaliated? Will the Taliban come to the negotiating table? What will happen in Pakistan? We can only postulate, but it’s probably not unwise to think that terrorists will keep on terrorizing, the Taliban will keep on fighting, and Pakistan will continue to be Pakistan, with all that goes with it. 

    We live in the world of post-9/11. We’ve done so for 10 years. Things cannot ever go back to the way they were before. We can’t go back to the blitheness, the naivety, the supreme trust in carrier-borne air power and clean-up jobs in Balkan countries. War goes on. We can take a little comfort though to say, in the end, we did the most important thing we set out to do: kill Osama Bin-Laden. Was the end worth the means, the end product the cost? Maybe, maybe not. But we got him, and I’ll smile every time I think of it. 

    So rest in peace, Osama, unlike the world you left behind. Find the peace you have the world searching for. If there is more justice to be had for you, then so be it. After all, if anything, God is a vengeful God, and loves nothing more than revenge and retribution. God, Nemesis. But hey, ain-baya, no problem, not in my hands, not in any one of our hands. Besides, we continue to have our worldly problem. The dancing and singing will die down, and we will still have our wars, still have Al-Qaeda and Islamic Jihad and Hezbollah and FARC and Jamiyat Islamiyya and Shining Path and various IRA’s and Fronts for the Liberation of Palestine. But we got him, the bogeyman is gone.

    Clean kill, +10 bonus, most deadly. The game goes on as the national war myths roar again. Tip of the cowboy hat, wink of the eye, clinking glasses, and some corner of a foreign field that is forever America. 

    1:11am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By4oXmvT
    April 24, 2011
    GET IN ON THIS READERS. READ THIS NOW.

    So my loyal Casbah fans, it’s time for you to get in on some action. For a job I’m applying for, I need a number of writing samples, and I thought, “why shouldn’t something from Mock the Casbah be included?” 

    This is where you come in.

    I want you, yes YOU, to pick out your favorite posts and let me know. Tell me by clicking the “ASK ME ANYTHING” link at the top of the page. Preferably, I’d like to know which of the more serious posts you enjoyed and thought was quality work, but feel free to let me know any of your particular favorites. Much love readers, and thanks for the help!

    1:29pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By4Ze3rq
    April 18, 2011
    Lie for a Lie

    Israel is demoralized. Since Rabin was assassinated in 1995, the nation has has 5 Prime Ministers. One is in court on corruption charges, Sharon would be if he was still up and running, Netanyahu was investigated after his first term and is now under scrutiny again, Barak and his wife are being looked at for employing illegal migrant workers (amongst other things), and even Peres has a sordid history of dirty tricks. Israel’s two presidents before Peres, Moshe Katsav and Ezer Weizman, were forced to resigned in disgrace over rape and bribery charges, respectively. Even his holiness the Yitzhak Rabin was forced to resign during his first term in 1977, because his wife forgot to close her American bank account, a leftover from her husband’s time as Ambassador to Washington. Now we have good brother Avigdor, Foreign Minister and chief representative of the State of Israel,  served a long-awaited indictment on a whole slew of corruption charges. It never seems long before another Knesset minister is being investigated.

    Israel, rightly or wrongly, once had a reputation for being squeaky clean; that is gone now, in an era where corruption seems to be increasingly the norm. The uniquely Israeli penchant for uncovering scandal has forced many of these acts into the open, but how many go unnoticed, especially with a private sector dominated by oligarchs, a la Russia in the 1990’s? 

    Crisis has ensued, a crisis in leadership. The upper echelon of the government is thoroughly tainted. Trust has all but disappeared. Has governance suffered? That most likely depends on who you speak to. What has suffered is the Israeli spirit. Few people have complete and unwavering trust in their political leaders, but Israel is dealing with a situation where there seems to be no one to trust. A little moral ineptitude can usually be accepted; after all, who is perfect? Yet Israel is experiencing not an erosion, but complete lack of faith in its government. 

    This is not the time for governmental faithlessness. Israel has problems, to say the least, and it finds itself in rough seas without a captain to steer the ship of state. Where are the leaders? Where are the at least mostly uncorrupt? Seemingly nowhere.

    Israel special situation in the world and in politics necessitates a strong leader. Some might not be the biggest fans of Menachem Begin or Ariel Sharon, but if they said they were going to do something, specifically withdraw from an occupied territory, you could be sure that they would do it, sure as the sun rising. The Palestinians are often criticized for not taking the deal offered by Ehud Barak at Camp David in 2000 or Taba in 2001. Yet even if that had accepted, would Barak have legitimately been able to deliver? That goes double for Ehud Olmert in 2008. 

    In short, Israel is in desperate need of a leader. The people know essentially what needs to be done: work towards a two-state solution, address religious and ethnic tensions, and keep the economy growing while at the same time reducing the power of the oligarchs. But the country needs someone willing and able to do this, and there seem to be no candidates. Netanyahu is weak and beholden to the far right; Livni is not widely respected as a leader and lacks any sort of charisma; Barak lives just short of in disgrace, in the shadows; Lieberman is perhaps the most disliked amongst Israelis. The far left and far right have no one to offer up. For the first time in its history, Israel is experiencing a drought of capable leaders.

    Some have pointed to Shaul Mofaz. A former chief of staff, he has certainly proved he has at least some mettle, and he even came close to unseating Tzipi Livni as leader of Kadima. However, he lacks inspirational abilities, and his Sephardic background could hurt him, or at least make him disliked by Isaac Herzog (check the recent Wikileaks disclosures if that joke flew overhead). One friend even pointed to a “dark horse” candidate, to use the American term, none other than Gabi Ashkenazi. He enjoys a good reputation and his term was considered successful, but he has not shown any inclination towards politics, at least not yet. 

    The treasure hunting for a new Israeli leader continues, and the problems of the state persist. Israel is heading into the storm, and it doesn’t even have someone whom Israelis can trust to give an accurate forecast. 

    12:39am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By4O7uOv
    April 15, 2011
    Justin Beiber Acquired By Israel, Promptly Traded to HAMAS for Gilad Shalit

    Jerusalem (Associated Press)—

    Israel made a surprise acquisition today, and strangely enough it was not done by seizing something belonging to Palestine. In a remarkable trade done in orchestration with the Canadian government, Beiber, Canadian citizen, was traded to the State of Israel in return for Israel increasing its maple syrup trade relations with Canada, as well as a promise to be interested in the ongoing National Hockey League playoffs. “It was a great trade, eh?” glowed Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper when questioned by a reporter from the Vancouver Sun. “We just new this was a move that could, and should, be made. Not only have we gained important concessions from the Israeli government, but we’ve also shipped Beiber off to a conflict zone, where he is almost certain to get himself into trouble and be hacked to bits by a Jihadist terrorist.”

    The issue has become a hot one due to its being revealed in the midst of campaigning for new elections. The Liberal Party’s Michael Ignatieff, noting his “extreme, almost sexual pleasure” at the deal, was still perturbed by what he called the Harper government’s “lack of transparency, bordering on outright lying to the Canadian people.” He then called for a vote of no confidence and new elections, but when subsequently informed this had in fact already happened weeks earlier and that the nation was in the midst of new elections, angrily grumbled something about “Israeli war crimes.” 

    Gilles Duceppe of the Bloc Quebecois also grunted and mumbled a series of statements in what can only be assumed to have been Quebecois French.

    On the other side, the Israeli government also expressed elation at their new grab. “It was a tough decision, and yet another example of Israel’s constant willingness to make tough decisions,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, “the Palestinians would never had made this move. How can we think they will be a partner for peace when they would not even come to the table over a shared-Beiber agreement?” When asked how this was in anyway relevant to anything, Netanyahu bit his upper lip, growled, and yelled racial pejoratives about peoples of Persian decent before passing out in a puddle of his own vomit.

    Leader of the opposition in the Knesset Tzipi Livni of Kadima noted her approval of the deal, despite making pouty faces every time the Prime Minister was mentioned. Eli Yishai of the ultra-religious Shas party demanded that Beiber receive a vaguely defined “proper Jewish conversion,” although the subject of Beiber actually becoming an Israeli citizen has not been brought up by the Israeli government. Defense Minister Ehud “Husky Waist Pants” Barak took time from trying to be Ariel Sharon to declare his total support for Netanyahu’s acquisition, though he also warned that a “diplomatic tsunami could be coming if Beiber concerts were not held in both the Palestinian territories.” 

    Polls show the Israeli people to be divided on the issue. In a telephone poll of 5000 Israelis, 29% “enthusiastically” supported the move, 11% opposed, 19% answered with a shrug and “oy,” and 50% chose “as a responsible and sentient being, I cannot believe my government has in any way exerted any effort in regards to a lesbian looking Canadian pre-pubescent pop singer, it being almost as bad as supporting the non-working ultra-Orthodox Jewish population so they can have 13 kids and study the Torah. I mean, this is a government, right? Doesn’t the leader of our government have better things to do than try to arrange a meeting with a kid who is going to be hated as soon as he actually, if ever, hits puberty? Seriously, we have massive problems with corruption, oligarchic control of the economy, ethnic tensions, African refugees, infrastructure problems, water problems and cat problems, not to mention the fact that we’re almost completely surrounded by enemies, hated by the majority of the world, and needlessly occupying the West Bank and supporting troublesome settlements? Didn’t it strike the Prime Minister as a bit ridiculous that he had, in his day planner, a meeting with Justin Beiber? Meeting with Sarah Palin is bad enough, but at least she is a possible name in the upcoming American presidential elections. This is really just representative of the endemic governance issues we have.” 1% of respondents were undecided.

    Government spokesman Mark Regev responded to the poll in a nasally, pretentious-twattish English accent, asking “who are they to preach morals?”

    The Israeli and Canadian governments were not the only happy ones however. U.S. President Barack Obama enthusiastically stated he was “near orgasm at the though of Beiber being so far away,” a sentiment echoed by Mexican President Felipe Calderon, who said that he was “going to get a good night’s sleep with the knowledge that Justin Beiber could be hit by a Qassam rocket from Gaza.” UN Secretary General Ban ki-Moon ushered through the General Assembly a resolution praising the deal, although with an addendum condemning Israel for “crimes the UN feels Israel may commit in the future, just so we can get it out of the way.”

    All day journalists tried to sound out Beiber on his or her opinion on the matter, but he stayed silent until his spokesman released a statement noting the singers displeasure, and questioning the legality of the Canadian government’s actions. Prime Minister Harper responded by noting that Beiber’s citizenship lacked a no-trade agreement, unlike some other Canadians, most notably his holiness the Wayne Gretzky.

    Netanyahu has thus far been mum on the possibilities for Beiber, especially when told to “go fuck himself” by Vice President Joe Biden when the former sounded out the VP on a possible trade of Beiber for convicted spy for Israel Jonathon Pollard.

    ****UPDATE UPDATE****

    We have just received word directly from the Israeli government that they have, in fact, traded former Canadian singer Justin Beiber for Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier being held hostage by the Gaza-based terrorist group HAMAS for over 5 years. In a stunning turn of events that has many Israelis shrugging and saying “oy vey,” Beiber was stuffed into a briefcase by Mossad agents at Ben Gurion International Airport, packed into a helicopter, and dropped into Gaza City at the exact same time as Shalit was released at the famous Erez Border Crossing. 

    President of the Palestinian Authority Mahmoud Abbas noted his pleasure with the deal, hoping that Palestinian possession of Beiber would lead to Palestinian political unity. HAMAS itself has not been able to be reached for comment, although the also-Gaza based Islamic Jihad was quick to claim partial responsibility for the trade, which was quickly dismissed by a Mossad official in a fit of giggles that temporarily left him unconscious. A Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine spokesman also tried to get a share of the limelight, before being told by all of the other Palestinians in the room that the PFLP has ceased to be relevant “way back in the fucking 70’s.”

    World approval has been almost unanimous, as the tight Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip seems a fool-proof way to keep Beiber from continuing to be seen.

    ****UPDATE UPDATE****

    This just in to our staff, HAMAS displayed their pleasure with acquiring Beiber by promptly strapping him to a long-range Grad rocket and firing him into the stratosphere. HAMAS’ political leader, Khaled Mashaal, stated that the group hoped it would land in Lebanon. “It’s a surefire way to end the sectarian strife there,” he noted, “once he lands, they’ll be too busy hating him to hate each other.” This was dismissed as pure naivety by Abdullah II, the King of Jordan, who noted that, the Lebanese being Lebanese, they would probably “fight each other more viciously than usual for the right to cut Beiber into little, little bits, and then give them to Palestinians in the various squalid refugee camps around Beirut and Sidon and pretend it’s a nice Kebab dish.” 

    3:43am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By4JPpNv
    March 19, 2011
    Frightened Ones and Falling Bombs

    It’s a holiday weekend; the sun is shining, people are outside, celebrating Purim with drinks and songs and rockets from Gaza. Wait, what? Unfortunately, the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict doesn’t have holiday breaks though, never takes a sick day. Life During Wartime, ha ha ha.

          On March 19th, 50 rockets were launched from Gaza, injuring two Israeli’s and damaging a home. Surprisingly enough, HAMAS took credit for a number of the rockets. This comes after a serious period of time when they were desperate to get the smaller terrorist groups in Gaza to stop firing rockets. Well, apparently HAMAS went with the “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” policy and decided to dust off the rockets and get back in the game. 

    This is part of an alarming trend, to say the least. On the 15th, a Liberian-flagged cargo ship, the  S.S. Victoria, was intercepted and boarded by Israeli Navy Shayatet-13 commandos. Found on board the ship, which was sailing from Latakia in Syria to Turkey and then to a listed destination of Alexandria, Egypt, was a considerable amount of weaponry. Though the cargo was supposed to be cotton and lentils, which is already suspicious as Egypt is quite the cotton producer and doesn’t really need any more, what was discovered were mortar shells, ammunition, and even advanced anti-ship missiles. Yeah, the missiles that take down ships. 

    You don’t need scooby senses to know where those weapons were heading: Gaza. It is just a coincidence that these weapons sailed only a short time after a visit to Syria by an Iranian Alvand-class warship and an accompanying supply ship? There is also the matter of a couple of vehicle convoys  trying to make their way up from Sudan, through Egypt and the Sinai, which were intercepted by the Egyptian military. Another coincidence? All these weapons, most likely heading to Gaza, highlights a couple of points:

    1. This is why we stop ships going to Gaza, because they have a bad habit of carrying weapons.
    2. This is why Gaza cannot have nice things.

          There was also a number of large demonstrations in the West Bank, Gaza and East Jerusalem. The demonstrations of March 15th were peaceful, well-attended, and marching for the purpose of demanding unity between HAMAS and Fatah, led by Mahmoud Abbas. However, since then a march has been broken up by HAMAS in Gaza, and on the 18th riots in Silwan in East Jerusalem were even more violent than usual. A facebook group calling for a new Intifadah has gathered over 200,000 supporters. Take into account the recent murders in Itamar, and we have a rather disturbing convergence of events. 

    Are we staring down the barrel into a renewed period of intense violence? Are we unknowingly walking straight into an Intifadah? If you look just at the events of the last week, it certainly might seem so. I don’t like to play the fearmonger, but sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. Weapons shipments, rocket barrages, riots, murders, and incitement does not make me feel like someone is just planning a St. Patrick’s Day party. So without going so far as to say we’re about to have a flare-up of dramatic conflict on our hands, I will say that for the time being we need to read the news and feelings of Israel and the Palestinian territories a little bit more carefully. At best, I’m reading to deeply into things and life will go on here normally (normally here being quite abnormal back in the good ole USA). At worst, Intifadah. 

    Israel’s response has been, well, typical Israel. In response to the rockets they, justifiably so, retaliated with air strikes. That make sense. They also lodged a complaint in the UN over the rockets and the weapons shipments. This also makes sense. But in true Avigdor Lieberman style, he messed it up. He said, and I quote from Haaretz, that the future Palestinian state would be a

    “terrorist state who’s first and foremost goal is the destruction of Israel.”

    You don’t do that Avigdor. As per usual, Israel fudged it up on the public relations front. Here is an example of what could have been said instead:

    “You know, guys, they’re like, sending a shit ton of weapons to Gaza, and like, HAMAS and those other guys there like, use those weapons against us. Like, today, the 19th of March, they fired 50 rockets at us. And so, we’re like, kind of wondering, if you’ve recovered enough from St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, if we could maybe like, look into what’s going on, and, you know, maybe condemn it. We’d really appreciate it. Ok? Thanks guys.”

    Israel has pretty solid evidence on it’s side. Weapons shipments + rockets fired into civilian areas= good case in the UN and in public relations. It’s that simple. If the UN is all about protecting civilians, this seems like a pretty open and shut case on condemning HAMAS’ actions. But because Avigdor Lieberman has the diplomatic delicacy of a cyanide-laced cactus, the UN will probably take its time before even considering reading the letter. 

    While we’re back on the subject of poor Israeli responses to serious events, let’s look back at the Itamar murders. In response to the completely inhuman slaughter of a family, Bibi Netanyahu ordered over 500 new housing units to be built in the West Bank. Eli Yishai, the king of cool and head of the ultra-religious SHAS party, said they should build 1,000 units for every one of the family members murdered, meaning 5,000 units. The government has taken the position of “you kill, we build.” 

    Ok folks, I’m going to take you through some very tricky territory, so keep up or you’ll get lost. Next to slaughtering a whole Palestinian village a la Deir Yassin in 1948, building a whole new host of settlement units is possibly the WORST FUCKING THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE. This is, in a way, collective punishment, which is, of course, wrong. By doing this, Israel continues to break international law, and more importantly, continues to anger the locals. Look at Itamar. As horrific as the events were, Itamar was a settlement infamous for its acts of violence towards local Palestinians. Does this justify the slaughter of a family, including a three month old baby? Maybe not. But do I understand why it happened? Yes. Am I surprised? Not really. It is radical, religious settlements like Itamar (near Nablus in the northwest) and Susiyya (near Hebron in the South) that cause the most trouble in the West Bank. 

    I personally would subscribe to the Rabin way of doing things. In the 1990’s, when some Palestinian terrorist groups tried to derail the peace process (they would eventually succeed, albeit after Rabin’s death), Rabin said (and I’m paraphrasing), that he would, “work for peace as if there was no terror, and fight terror as if there was no peace.” It is a responsible policy. The fact was, and is, that the best thing for Israeli security is a stable, functioning Palestinian state. So on one hand, you try to make peace with it, and support its growth and progress. On the other hand, you fight terrorism, though not with huge, multi-unit sweeps of villages, but gritty police work to root out terror cells and catch terrorists. This is something that the PA and Israel have, in the last half decade, excelled at. Their cooperation has helped lead to the quietest, most peaceful time Israel has ever experienced since it was created. So don’t blame the PA for what happened, because they have a pretty good track record of helping fight terror against Israel.

    Don’t blame them, and certainly don’t punish them. This should be a calling for increasing cooperation between the PA and Israel, not a time to sever ties. The murders should have served as an impetus for working with the peace process and stopping settlements. It would have been the perfect time for Bibi to stand up and say “we are going to fight the people who perpetrate such acts, and the most effective way to do this is working with the Palestinian Authority while at the same time reigning in on settlements and the radical elements who live in many of them.”

    But he won’t, because that isn’t what Bibi does. He doesn’t make decisions that don’t involve harming Palestinians, and he certainly doesn’t make decisions against settlers. He’ll do his part to make sure there is no peace, just like HAMAS. Is he firing rockets in barrages against civilians? No, but he is certainly performing and encouraging acts that similarly harm the chances for peace. 

    Truth is, We’re Fucked, in all ways.

    “Praise should be welcome to the ears of the great only if an opening is also sometimes given to censure what has been done amiss.” —Ammianus Marcellinus

    “A mule will labor ten years willingly and patiently for you, for the privilege of kicking you once.” —William Faulkner

    5:03pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By3i5qK3
    March 14, 2011
    "If men of moderation have nothing to hope for, men of violence will have something to shoot for."

    — Harold Wilson, UK Prime Minister (1964-1970, 1974-1976)

    8:17pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By3b_GuZ
    March 13, 2011
    I’ve Known No War

         A family was buried today. It was The Fogel family - father Udi, 37, mother Ruth, 36, 10-year-old Yoav, four-year-old Elad, and three-month-old Hadas. A family murdered in their home in Itamar, in their beds by Palestinian terrorists. Three other children managed, by mercy or sheer providence, to escape the fate of the others. 

       A family. A broken family. How far have we really gone in this conflict? Oslo was 18 years ago, the dream of Oslo. Since then there has been an Intifadah, wars in Lebanon and Gaza, and more destroyed families. 

       I live across from an apartment complex. One day, not far back, I saw a little boy run out to greet his dad, who I assume was returning from work. Then again, kids are a little bit like dogs; the parent comes back through the door 5 minutes after leaving and the kid acts like they’ve been separated for years. The boy rushed to his father, who lifted him up in the air. Then the little guy jumped in the driver’s seat of the car, pretending to drive like his big dad always does. It reminded me of my own childhood, how things that seem so trivial now are so important to a child. How ecstatic I used to get when I’d hear my dad’s truck rumbling down the street, back from a long day of hard work. How good it was to see my dad again. When the world was one great mystery, my dad’s truck a vessel to sail the unending seas. How three-month old Hadas would never know that feeling.

         I won’t pretend to like settlers. I despise them and everything they stand for. I’ve wished for their crops to fail, their houses to disappear, the sun to never shine over their land. But I never wished them any actual harm. So my heart goes out to surviving children. I hope they bask in the light of never-ending success. My heart is heavy with the thought of another family swept from this land because of war. 

       20,000 people were supposed to have shown up for the funeral today. Many others demonstrated in the streets of Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. 

       One doesn’t need to be a therapist to sense the feelings. For some, it was mourning, pure and simple. A family cut down; for Jews, another Jewish family murdered. But then two other feelings reared their ugly heads: hate and exploitation.

        Though I am deeply saddened by the murders in Itamar, and I want to see the perpetrators brought to justice, I cannot abide by politicians and settler leaders trying to exploit the situation to suit their desires. So when Eli Yishai, the Interior Minister from the SHAS party, says that 1,000 settlement houses should be built for every one of the family members slain, or Netanyahu approves 500 housing units to be built in the main settlement blocs, I cry foul. Other politicians and settlement activists have said the same. “Build, Bibi, Build!” “Consolidate our hold on Judea and Samaria!” It is disgusting. But none so more than Eli Yishai saying that Israel needs to “change the ratio” in the West Bank. That sounds a little too much like ethnic cleansing to me.

         I understand the anger, I really do. If an American family was slaughtered by terrorists, I would be salivating at the thought of spilling my perceived enemies blood. But there is an unpleasant question that begs asking: what were the Fogels doing in the West Bank?

         The settlements are illegal under the provisions of the Fourth Geneva Convention, which states that an occupying force cannot transfer its population to occupied land. The settlements are condemned world-wide. Many of them are illegal by Israeli law as well. Itamar itself is situated in an area that has been the sight of serious conflict between settlers and local Palestinians. 

        The settlements are wrong. Ronald Reagan once said that “settlement activity is in no way necessary for the security of Israel and only diminishes the confidence of the Arabs that a final outcome can be freely and fairly negotiated.” For those who support the settlements as reclaiming Judea and Samaria, newsflash, Judea and Samaria are gone. They’ve been gone for a couple of milennia. Don’t give me Eretz Yisrael crap, I’m sick of it. King David is dead. Solomon is dead, the temple is gone. I do not accept the Judea and Samaria initiatives as legitimate. I also fume when people use the term Judea and Samaria. It is the West Bank, it is Palestine. The names have changed, and so have the people. The tribes of Israel have long since disbanded. 

    It’s now a land of two peoples, and settlements seriously infringe upon the ability of one of those people’s to create a viable country. Settlements are an impediment to peace. They are a drain on the Israeli economy, on the military, and on Israeli taxpayers. And now we have seen that they do nothing but put lives in danger. They stir up anger and resentment, and sometimes that anger and resentment turns to violence. The Jews have their part of the land, have their country; let the other people have theirs. 

         In 1886 Frederick Douglass famously said “where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that the society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe.” This is what happened in Itamar. The simple, painful truth is that if the Fogels had not decided to join the settler movement, they would still be alive today. 

        I hope I do not sound cold hearted. All before being said, this was a family in their home, and what was done was beyond abhorrent. Terror is terror, murder is murder. Those who weep for the Fogel children should weep too for dead Palestinian children. Those who weep and cry out and anguish for murdered Palestinian children should do the same for Israeli children. Enough hypocrisy. Terror is still terror, no matter who writes the rules. The universal belief in the sanctity of children should unite us, should stop violence, but it hasn’t. Generation after generation has been condemned to hate, to bloodshed. A child should not grow up with hate, should no grow up in a conflict zone. But that is exactly what is happening in Israel and Palestine. Every boy is some mother’s son, every girl some father’s daughter. 

    But I feel that there are certain things that need to be said. Firstly, that the Fogel’s death has been hijacked for political purposes. Motti Fogel, whose brother Udi was the patriarch of the family, seems to agree. He said that “all of the slogans we hear are trying to efface the simple fact that you’re dead, and nothing can efface that. This funeral has to be a private affair,” Fogel said, adding: “A man dies to himself, to his children. Udi, you are not a national event. You’re horrible death mustn’t make your life into a pawn.”

          That is exactly how I feel. The second thing that needs to be remembered is that settlements are wrong, and do nothing but harm. This is a fact that has been recognized since the first settlements went up in the early 1970’s. 

          Besides those two points, we have reached a dangerous crossroad. Many Israelis scream for vengeance, cry for blood. The iron hand of the IDF must come down, they say. But remember, violence begets violence. It is certainly well known in this part of the world, although it has never stopped anyone from perpetrating bloody acts of terror. We’ll never know who started the violence, but we do know that the unrestrained emotions of people perpetuate it. Israeli revenge will create the need for Palestinian revenge. Settler violence will mean local Palestinian violence. How long until the next Intifadah? How long until the settlers let loose with uncontrolled death and destruction? Instead of being united in grief over the loss of a young family, the people of this land continue to be divided. “There is no woe like our woe, no pain like our pain, no suffering like our suffering,” one will say to the other, only to hear it repeated as if an echo. Two peoples who had the luck to live in a land like this, two peoples who have the misfortune of wanting this one land.

         Remember, remember what Francis Bacon said, “In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.” Israelis and Palestinians need to stop pointing fingers, stop playing the victim game, and start acting like adults, or else the children will keep dying, the homes will keep falling, the blood will keep flowing.

    “Nothing has changed here in the last 40 years. The problems are exactly the same as they always were. The solutions were already known back then. But no one paid attention to them. And I found myself repeating them. I found myself saying the same thing all the time…I was a lone voice in the wilderness..” Amos Elon

    p.s.— There’s been a lot of talk about Salam Fayyed and Abbas not doing enough to condemn the attack. I’d like to point out that for most people nothing will be enough. Within hours, Fayyad had denounced the attack, expressed sympathy with the family, and affirmed his opposition to violence and how it has no place in this land. Abbas recently said the same, but even more forcefully. But, as I said, it will not be enough for people like Eli Yishai and those of Gush Emunim. Abbas could apologize, go to Jerusalem, visit the Western Wall, convert to Judaism, get circumcised, preside over a shabbat, dinner, get Israeli citizenship, and move to Itamar, and he would still be seen as uncaring and promoting terror against Jews. Same goes for any Israeli in the eyes of a Palestinian. I get the feeling that people here don’t really care about sincere regret and honest apologies, they want to see the other party humiliated and prostrate before them. 

         I’d also like to address the leaking of the photos of the murders and the facebook groups trying to stir up emotions. You have no idea what the fuck you might be causing. It doesn’t take much to get some people to do bad things. You reap what you sow, goes the cliche, and it is true. If you whip up people with fiery rhetoric, with emotional urgings and graphic images, you must be prepared to accept the responsibility when some of those people take things further. And give me a break with the facebook group; just remember that this will keep happening if there is no peace. The brutal murder of the Fogel’s should be an impetus to get the peace process back on track so this stops happening. Instead of joining another facebook group, people should be looking at themselves and asking what they are doing to help bring peace. The peace that the Fogel children should have been able to enjoy. To those who are baying for blood, read again what I wrote earlier. Every act of revenge precipitates a reciprocal act of revenge. So stop thinking about how Israel should punish the Palestinians and start asking how Israel can help Israel. Peace is the end, non-violence is the means. I feel no obligation to feel any sort of sympathy for those who suffer due to perpetrating or encouraging acts of violence.  

    9:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/Zko4By3ahDEq
    Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »